How do we change out of a destructive pattern?
艾玛（我的女儿，现年9岁）在该做不吸引人的工作时，经常大惊小怪，尤其是“愚蠢的写作作业”（尽管通常喜欢写作和成为杰出的学生）。这已经持续了多年，但是几周前，我注意到自己变得非常活跃。我对她感到越来越恼火 - 对家庭作业的刺激似乎正在流血我们的一般关系。
I’d say hello in the morning and she’d grouch at me… say hello in the afternoon and she’d ignore me. Then the homework fuss would come up, and I found myself thinking in such a judgmental way, labeling her as “drama queen,” “irrational,” and a few I won’t put in print. As my frustration grew, I found myself thinking things like, “she can bloody well sit in her room ’till the work is done” (and thinking it with a kind of violent savagery ala “that will show her!”).
我想和您一起探索这一反应的两个方面：
第一的，当我感到不尊重和被排斥时，我对“作业戏剧”的耐心暴跌。我的受伤感转化为想要造成伤害。
第二，当我感到不耐烦时，我陷入了一种力量（权力和控制），并处理肤浅的“事实” -尽管我知道这不起作用。
In Six Seconds’ work on change, we teach that people behave the way they do for emotionally valid reasons, and that unless you change the underlying emotional dynamic, you don’t create change. This concept is explained well in Alan Deutschman’s book,Change or Die，我一直在谈论（这是一次采访我对此做了这一点）。Deutschman说，试图驾驶变更时的主要但失败的范式是使用事实,力量和害怕。
As I get more and more frustrated, I begin to rely on power and control. I start using facts to back up how right I am, and force to reinforce my sense of power, and fear to accentuate my own power over her. In that FFF paradigm, we try to make people change. This doesn’t work, because people don’t want to be forced. When people feel pushed, they resist. The resistance causes them to protect, and they become less open to risk. Meanwhile as we push, we become more irritated and less open to understand what they’re feeling and what’s really blocking the change.
好烂摊子 -我知道这个， 但knowledge is not enough。因此，在这里，我对女儿感到沮丧，而我感到越沮丧，我发现自己在这首曲目上射出的曲目越多，我在智力上知道的曲目只会导致更多的挫败感。但是，尽管如此，我还是很吸引人。这就像我在一个可怕的白天电视节目中，这些信息被散发到我的大脑中。而且我越恼火，我就越能使这种反应性，肤浅，破坏性的心态。
一旦我开始反思，我就可以看到这种模式 - 我正在使用的这首歌。哪个很棒，但是那是什么呢？下车需要改变思维+感觉的转变 - 一种摆脱动态的方式。
幸运的是，这一天是在睡前。
我只是在亲吻我的女儿晚安，她度过了一个难得的夜晚，没有一本书拿着书……因此欢迎昏昏欲睡的依ugg。她现在很大，她的意见如此凶猛。但是躺在她旁边，我在9年前的第一个长飞机上骑着这件事并告诉了她这件事。
只要我们中的一个人四处走动，艾玛很满足。但是一旦我们坐下来，她大惊小怪。我记得在黑暗中走上747个过道上下走，当我们走过一排窗户时，夜晚瞥见了夜晚，这个昏昏欲睡的温暖的天使以每小时500英里的速度跳动。
我记得一遍又一遍地悄悄唱着同样的小歌（“ La Mar Mar Estaba Serena，Serena Estaba la Mar…”）。对我来说，可能和她一样多；我仍然可以感受到它的舒缓节奏。
我记得看着小厨房的窗户，看着月光下无尽的北欧冰，想知道那种无限的外星景观的无限种类，如此寒冷而遥远。
当时，我没有感觉到这会成为一种宝贵的记忆……但是现在它是如此生动……并充满了怀旧的棕褐色音。令人惊奇的是我们心中印刷的东西。
从那个欣赏的地方，整个“家庭作业戏剧挫败感”简直消失了。我想起了这个人内心的宝贵（和故意）的纯真。我在思想和内心上“使她变得很好”，这让我离开了反应性的曲目。这种情感上的联系是同理心，它是一种全新观察方式的门口，也是FFF范式的解毒剂。
In the week since that evening, we’ve had no conversation about changing the “homework drama,” but it just hasn’t come up. It’s like the circuit is (at least for the moment) diffused. While it’s likely to resurface, I’m now more keenly aware of the trap — and at least one way out.
♥
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嗨，乔什，
This was a particularly important reminder that the FFF approach never seems to yield desirable results. I do recall one staff member I worked with who everyone described as “difficult” person. Some colleagues would even call her attention directly and engage in altercations with her. She never seemed comfortable with being supervised and would blurt out on a seemingly innocuous matter. When as the head of human resources section in the Regional office of the Ministry she receives important communication she would keep it to herself and wouldn’t share the information. Most of us then developed a “negative” attitude towards her and she became labelled in our minds. One time, I got information on a good training on leadership from the British Council and took to her. I assisted her to complete the application form and even took it upon myself to email the document and follow up for her. Since then, she would voluntarily bring to me any official communication she had received from the head office that concerned us. Retrospectively, I believe I could have done better in relating with her and may be encouraged others to develop a relationship to foster understanding with her if we had understood Alan Deutschman’s advice that FFF does not foster change, instead change begins with a relationship. As it is at home, so it is in the workplace. Thank you for that piece on Change or Die by Alan.
Hey Josh:
Beautifully done! Congrats.
This was a great example of what we call “Self-Processing”… getting to the bottom of our feelings, finding out what’s underneath ’em and what’s pushing you.
祝您与女儿保持冷静的关系。对我来说，我一生中＃1最重要的关系！
保持感觉’和Healin’。
- 马特
嗨，乔什，当我与儿子互动时，我的感觉和情感模式相似。由于他只有5岁，所以我对他懒惰的脸上的懒惰行为感到非常恼火，晚上睡前刷牙。我知道这是他想保持更长的时间的一种方式。当我与一些妈妈进行霍尔特对话以讨论情况。我发现我是一个标记他为“懒男孩”的标签，他就像接受这一事实。因此，父母的操作和情感会影响孩子的自我形象，孩子们可以非常清楚地感觉到这一点，并以这种方式认为自己的情绪就像是支持或接受。当我发现我越发症时，他每天晚上就在睡前加快加速，这是行不通的。仅仅因为我的情绪表明他是这样的。所以我尝试了另一个appaach。现在，我正在学习有关个人领导者的教练计划。 The key concept is like this: Sucess – measured by Results – reflect from behavior patterns – from your attitude and thinking pattern – from constraints – your repeat behavior and habbits. In this regards, if we can rebuild our habbits and repeat behavior, we got a change to rebuild our thinking patterns, which will impact our behaviors. So it is more easy for me to feel change when my behavior make change first. When all my behavior and thinking pattern adjusted, it is a opportunity to change my emotions and make all the situation to rebuild. So right now, I have asked for my kids to finish homework first after he is back from kidergarden. I want to develop his repeat behaviors from now on, so maybe I have a change to lead his a way to develop a good study habbit and he will feel a lot of fun on study instead of boring based on that good study habbits. What do you think? Josh
嗨，乔什，令人惊讶的是，与您的心脏的联系如何完全改变了我们从恶魔变成人类。我对上一段特别感到震惊，因为我已经观察到了多次感觉状态的传播。当房间“死了”时，您可以感觉到它，而您不知道为什么，因为什么都没发生或说。另外，它如何“点亮”。破坏性和积极的情感似乎得到了有力的传播。也许有些科学类型可以告诉我这是怎么发生的。是否有人在《新科学家》杂志上看到了这篇文章，称为3度分离，描述了与您直接接触您的人传递的感觉和态度。那么，请仔细选择您朋友的朋友吗？关于所有这一切，有很多事情要发现。感谢您输掉大理石并再次找到它们的故事。 it is very encouraging and I related with my Emma’s (11 yrs) resistance to my resistance of her. Sandra.