聆听或讲述 - 减少家庭冲突

最近的生活在家中有些狂暴。艾玛（Emma）的4-1/2岁的优先事项与Max的2-1/2岁的优先事项发生冲突 - 加上两个家庭的父母和他们自己的压力，瞧，您有一个粉末小桶。最近，我一直期待着旅行，所以我可以和平几天。我认为这是一个不好的信号。

最近几天，我对作为父母的工作有了新的见解 - 作为顾问和经理同样重要的课程。大多数经理告诉我，他们最大的挣扎是管理冲突和关系 - 因此，关于管理在家冲突的故事也许将为没有孩子的人提供想法。

Last week I had time with Karen McCown, Six Seconds’ cofounder. We talk frequently about my little family and about her grandchildren. As many EQ Reflections readers have told me, grandparent-hood sounds like the best of parenting: all the love, none of the “hot buttons.” The next day I happened to talk to a colleague and the psychotherapist sitting next to her. I talked a bit about my struggles at home, and I was struck by the dramatic difference between the therapist’s approach and Karen’s.

治疗师告诉我“做正确的事”

治疗师说：“听起来您让您的孩子在房子里经营东西，而您做不到。”

我说有些遗憾：“实际上，我可以做到 - 但我同意这可能不是一个好主意。”

“You need to be clear about who’s in charge,” she went on, ignoring my frail jibe, “and consistently reward the appropriate behavior and have consequences for the inappropriate behavior. You have to be more consistent.”

Not bad advice for a cocktail party. Then I considered Karen’s advice from the evening before and how different it was.

EQ教练邀请我反思

首先，凯伦问我发生了什么事 - 模式是什么。我解释说，冲突升级了，艾玛的行为变得爆炸性，我把她送去了，或者她的房间。

“那在工作吗？”卡伦问。

“并不真地。”

“所以你可能不想继续这样做，对吗？”在凯伦（Karen）清晰的目光下，只有一个可用的答案。我摇了摇头。“你和艾玛谈论发生了什么事吗？”

我说：“艾玛宁愿不宁愿。”我开始感到有些可悲 - 我是如何赋予四岁的力量的？

After a few more minutes, Karen summarized our discussion into this experiment: “Next time you send Emma to her room, say, ‘When you are ready to talk about what happened, come get me.’ Then, discuss what happened and make an agreement about what Emma and you will do differently next time. Write it down where Emma can see it.”

Before I tell you what happened, what’s the difference between Karen’s advice and the unknown therapist’s? Notice who had the power or “right” in the adult-to-adult conversations. Notice how each approach changes the power dynamic between Emma and me — one actually escalates the power struggle, the other side-steps it.

我的感觉是，凯伦（Karen）的建议还集中于长期与短期的建议 - 艾玛（Emma）需要为自己做出决定，最终这些决定将是相当认真的决定。我现在正在做什么来为她准备这一挑战？

This weekend when one of the “inevitable” conflicts occurred, I had a surprising experience. While I was caught up in the conflict, I did not feel the need to explode — I didn’t feel hopeless. This is the power of having a new strategy.

我问艾玛（Emma）她是否想谈论发生了什么事，当她烦恼时，“不”，我遵循了凯伦（Karen）的建议。几分钟后，艾玛准备聊天。我开始了自我科学的过程，并问：“发生了什么事？”

我发现整个事件都太复杂了，艾玛确实很难讲述这个故事。因此，我开始告诉我认为发生了什么事，每件小片段之后，我问她是否同意 - 真的要求，不是要达成共识，而是要得到她的看法。我们同意了某些部分，而不是其他部分，但没有辩论过 - 我们俩都从我们的一方确定了这个故事。

然后我确定了让我不高兴的部分：“当我告诉你第二次停止抓住你的兄弟时，我感到被忽略了，看来你听不到。你在听吗？”

“No,” said Emma, and I could see the realization sink in.

我们在她的房间里放了一张图表纸，我问我应该写什么。艾玛说：“没有忽略。”

What if Family Conflict Is a Learning Process?

第二天，艾玛（Emma）和麦克斯（Max）之间发生了小小的争吵时，我再次感到惊讶。当我问发生了什么事时，艾玛告诉我，并说我们需要在清单上写信。

我怀疑我自己与孩子的反应很大一部分来自感觉如此无能为力 - 从感觉不会结束，我无法阻止它。所以我作为父母的教训：

• 继续练习乐观（它不会永远持续下去，如果尝试的话，我可以有所作为）。
• 继续尝试新的沟通方式。
• to stay out of the power struggle — make my job be “help them learn” rather than “enforce.”

在反思我给我建议的两种不同样式时，我看到了三个关键点要记住“专家”，顾问和经理支持他人。

Ask, help them see the story, the pattern.

Challenge the “insane” (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results)

Offer questions, alternatives, and experiments rather than answers.

I need to remember I don’t have the answers to my own challenges, let alone yours! Perhaps the best we can offer one another is a compassionate ear and the encouragement to keep learning. It’s probably harder to sell than “the answer,” but I suspect there’s a lot more value in it.